Somewhere in California, a lady cop is watching for Nima Hadian’s beer truck.

“She sits at the bottom of a hill on this one little road along the coast, north of San Francisco, and she inspects every truck,” says Hadian, who runs the mammoth Shangy’s Beverage in Emmaus, Pa.

The maximum truck length on this road is 48 feet. The truck Hadian’s been leasing is 53 feet.

“And she catches us every time. It’s a $500 ticket.

“So, not only do I have to deal with gas prices and refrigeration and trucking companies and storage and a mess of other stuff. But now I’ve got to deal with a lady cop in California! “

Such are the headaches for a man in pursuit of excellent beer. But as Hadian says, “I’m good at not just knowing the difference between a good beer and a [bad] beer, but in finding ways to get the product here. “

“Here” is in an otherwise obscure town outside of Allentown, 50 miles north of Philadelphia. Along a busy highway running into Emmaus, Hadian’s family has built possibly the best retail beer distributor in America.

I say “possibly” because I haven’t visited ’em all, yet. Other outlets may move more beer or offer bigger discounts. And I confess, I have a soft place in my heart for hard-working neighborhood places like Javies in Manayunk, Stone’s in Fairmount and Beer City in Fishtown.

But nobody I know of sells more varieties than Shangy’s. At last count, the beer list topped 2,300 different labels.

Twenty-three-hundred! That’s more than all the brews listed in the Bible of ale-worshippers, Michael Jackson’s “Pocket Guide to Beer. ” Hadian thinks it’s enough to earn a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

He’s asked the Guinness reps to stop by for a look-see. In the meantime, he welcomed Joe Sixpack for a perusal.

The last time I’d visited, Shangy’s was bursting at the seams in a roadside spot about the size of a Wawa. Now, they’ve moved down the road and into a clean, brightly lit 35,000-square-foot store where the showroom is like, well, nothing you’ve ever seen at a beer distributor.

Instead of the cobwebs and heaps of cardboard boxes piled on wooden skids that are the rule at most beer stores, neatly stacked displays beckon like sirens. Hadian tells me the place cost $3 million to build, that the cooler alone can fit 5,000 barrels – about the annual production of a healthy microbrewery. But I’m not listening because I’m already diving into the suds. Unpronounceable Hefe-weizens from Bavaria, Trappist ales from tiny monasteries in Belgium, 200-year-old bitters from Britain and dozens of others from countries (Slovenia and Guatemala) that I didn’t even know produced beer. There are 100 feet of American microbrews alone.

I stand there slack-jawed, unable to narrow down my selection to fewer than 10 cases. I defy a beer freak to leave the place without finding at least 50 beers he’s never tasted, maybe never even heard of.

How does Hadian find them? The same way you or I find ’em. We sample everything we see, share with our friends, mail-order sixpacks, take beer vacations and come home with bottles wrapped in the dirty underwear.

“About 40 percent of our customers know good beer, and they bring us samples,” he said. “If a credible customer tells me he had a great IPA from X-brewery, I’ll send away for it. “

Right now, he’s trying to get his mitts on Arrogant Bastard Ale from Oregon’s Stone Brewing. The brewery describes it as “an aggressive beer [that] you probably won’t like. “

“Our bread and butter is those little brands,” Hadian said.

The problem is, most of them are too small to ship outside of their backyards. It’s a nightmare of logistics, and most of them are satisfied selling to locals. Shangy’s solves that problem by paying truck drivers to go on cross-country beer runs.

“We send a truck out west about once a week and hit three or four northern California breweries,” Hadian said.

Since Shangy’s also serves as an area importing distributor, it re-sells many of these small brands to about 1,800 other Philadelphia-area bars, restaurants and retailers. If you’ve recently tasted hard-to-find left-coast gems like Moylan Kilt Lifter Scotch Ale and Lost Coast Indica IPA and anything from Anderson Valley, it’s because of Shangy’s.

But a visit to Emmaus is a must for the true beer fan. It’s an hour up the Northeast Extension. Call Nima at 610-967-1701 for directions.

And watch out for those California troopers.

Beer Radar

Speaking of Jackson’s “Pocket Guide,” the 7th edition from Philadelphia’s Running Press is out. Locally, Eric Savage of Dock Street Brasserie (18th and Cherry streets, Logan Circle) gets a well-deserved four stars (world classic) for his Barleywine and Grand Cru. Though it’s an excellent tome for out-of-town travels, be warned that, like most beer guides, it’s quickly dated. Our town’s listings still include the sadly departed Poor Henry’s and Independence brewing companies. . .

Baseball cap slogan spotted by sharp-eyed copy editor Jerry Carrier, at the Bridge & Pratt SEPTA terminal: “Beer drinkers make better lovers. They just don’t remember the next day. . . “

‘Shrooms and beer from 20 local breweries are the main attraction at tomorrow’s Kennett Mushroom Festival brewfest. The fungi starts at 2 p.m., at the First Union parking lot on State Street in Kennett Square.

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Big Hole Mythical White Grand Cru.

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I have sipped the nectar that moistened the dying lips of the fabled King Midas.

Sipping 2,700-year-old nectar – now there’s something you don’t get to do every day.

It happened Wednesday night in a Center City reincarnation of the Phrygian king’s funeral feast. Actually, this was just appetizers – goat meat, figs and cheeses served at Monk’s Cafe. But the brew, recreated by Dogfish Head Brewery of Lewes, Del., was presumably the same drink Midas would have sucked down before kicking the bucket back in 700 B.C.

Yeah, that King Midas, the Donald Trump of the Iron Age who turned everything he touched – including his daughter – into gold. Only that was myth. The real King Midas was not an alchemist, though he did rule from an ancient city called Gordion in what is now west-central Turkey.

For 50 years, archaeologists from the University of Pennsylvania Museum have been poking through the remarkably well-preserved artifacts taken from the old king’s burial mound.

Among the relics: 157 bronze drinking vessels.

Now, you or I would take one look at those cups, polish ’em up with a little Tarn-X and maybe sell them on eBay.

The Penn scientists didn’t even wash them out. Instead, they’ve spent decades studying them – especially the flaky organic residue inside. Last December, researcher Patrick McGovern announced that a new high-tech analysis had determined the contents:

Calcium oxalate, which is present in barley beverages.

Tartaric acid, which occurs in grapes.

Beeswax, from honey.

Barley. . .grapes. . .honey – the cups had been filled with a mixture of beer, wine and mead.

To me, that sounds like Mrs. Midas got stuck cleaning up after a poker game and poured all the leftover booze into one bottle. I’m surprised they didn’t find cigar butts in there, too.

But McGovern insisted his tests showed the Phyrgians did, indeed, down a mix of equal portions of beer, wine and mead.

“The guess is that what we have in Midas’ tomb is related to a European drink that his people brought from the Balkans,” said McGovern, who studies food as a way of understanding ancient cultures.

“When you consider the process of making them, and the mind-altering effects of consuming them,” he continued, “fermented beverages really reflect the culture to a huge degree, socially, religiously and economically. “

Which makes sense, if you think of America as the Budweiser of human civilization.

Once the scientists determined the mixture, the task of recreating it went to Sam Calagione, whose Dogfish Head specializes in offbeat beer recipes.

“It’s the most expensive beer we’ve ever made,” Calagione said. “To make it as authentic as possible, we imported thyme honey from Italy and white muscat grapes – not extract – from California. “

Instead of hop flowers, the brew was spiced with costly Indian saffron.

It’s only mildly carbonated and tips the scales at 7.5 percent alcohol – about halfway between beer and wine.

Both Calagione and McGovern were happy with the result. Me, too, though it tasted more like wine than beer – smooth, without the bite that often accompanies a honey brew.

What really struck me, though, was not the taste, nor even the science that led to its re-creation. It was the mere fact that, on this night in a Center City bar, a small group of beer fans was sharing a beverage that mankind has been brewing and drinking for centuries.

As McGovern noted, we’ve been getting buzzed since the first time a cave dude dipped his hand into a fallen tree and tasted a mouthful of fermented honey. He has no doubt that, once we learned to domesticate barley in 7000 or 8000 B.C., it was beer – not bread – that people made first.

Which is why he has a mild grumble with Calagione’s name for this beer: Origin Ale.

“At 2,700 years old, I don’t think you can really call it ‘Origin,’ ” he said. “Three years ago, we identified the earliest known beer, from Iran in 3,500 B.C.”

So what would McGovern call it?

“I don’t know – something like King Midas Golden Elixir. “

Not bad – I can’t wait for the TV commercials.

Alas, Dogfish Head has no plans to bottle Origin Ale. Your best chance of tasting it will be Sept. 23, when the University of Pennsylvania Museum hosts a re-creation of the the funerary banquet of King Midas. For info, call 215-898-4890.

For another taste of the old, try these beers:

• Two Druids Solstice Ale, from Heavyweight Brewing of Ocean Township, N.J. Based on a medieval ale known as gruit, this bitter brew is flavored with a blend of yarrow, bog myrtle and mugwort.
• Grozet, a Scottish beer that also dates to medieval days, made with unmalted wheat, herbs and gooseberries.
• Fraoch Heather Ale, also from Scotland, brewed in a style dating to 325 B.C.

Beerata

Apologies for the beer movie omission last time around. Of course, the “Caddyshack” of beer films has already been made – it’s “Strange Brew,” starring the MacKenzie brothers.

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Lindeman’s Kriek.

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Coyote Ugly”?

More like Coyote Stupid, if you ask me.

And not just the sub-zero plot. This summer turkey boasts half the complexity of your average MTV video and all the predictability of a WWF bout. It’s the kind of movie that gives mindless entertainment a bad name.

Normally you wouldn’t catch Joe Sixpack shelling out seven bucks to see something like this. I’d wait a few months for it to show up on my satellite dish so I could change the channel after 10 minutes.

But I confess, I was suckered by those commercials.

Who could resist the sight of sultry Tyra Banks wiggling her whatever while pulling a draft handle? My suds runneth over.

So I ducked out of the city sauna and into the theater for what I thought would be 90 minutes of babes and beer. I shudda stayed at home and waited for a Coors commercial.

Oh yeah, it’s a movie about a bar – but it’s the damnedest bar I’ve ever seen.

Coyote Ugly is the hottest joint in Manhattan, apparently, though it offers little more than “Jim, Jack and Johnny Black. ” As for beer, it’s MGD, Icehouse and Red Dog.

Nonetheless, customers stand in line around the block to get into this dive. Once inside, the wait for a drink is as orderly and efficient as the Vet parking lot exit after an Eagles game.

Possibly that’s because your lovely server – a so-called Coyote – is currently:

A. Soaking her T-shirt.

B. Breathing fire.

C. Performing gymnastics.

D. All of the above.

Certainly, she isn’t carefully pouring your drink.

She may, however, be guzzling shots and spitting them back into an empty beer bottle. Or spilling a fifth of Seagram’s while attempting to fill a half-dozen glasses.

Either way, I haven’t seen this much liquor wasted since Robert Stack took a Tommy gun to a wall of wooden kegs in “The Untouchables. “

The worst moment came when the girls doused the top of the bar with a few gallons of tequila, then torched it, to the delight of the howling patrons.

Hey, I’m as pyro as the next guy, but haven’t these women heard there’s an agave shortage?

“Coyote Ugly”: Such a waste.

Look and learn

The movie does offer a few lessons to the intelligent adult-beverage consumer, however.

1. Never stand an hour in line for a drink, no matter how much cleavage awaits.

2. Avoid bars where the barmaids address you with a megaphone.

3. Pack a poncho.

4. Forget it – you don’t have a chance of scoring with the supermodel behind the bar.

5. Don’t leave your drink on the bar if there is an outside chance it will be consumed by flames.

I’m still waiting for a great beer movie. Something like what “Caddyshack” did for golf.

In the meantime, your video store offers some light refreshment:

• “Smokey and the Bandit”: Burt Reynolds and a truckload of Coors.
• “The Quiet Man”: John Wayne, a mammoth beer brawl and lots of porter.
• “Beer”: Dick Shawn, Rip Torn and a memorable advertising campaign that urges men to “Whip out your Norbecker.”
• “Barfly”: Mickey Rourke and lots of boozing.
• “Boys Don’t Cry” – Hillary Swank sucking down bottles of, strangely enough, Celis Pale Rider.
• “The Lady Eve” – Screwball Preston Sturges and brewery heir Henry Fonda (nickname: Hopsie) who hates his own beer, “Pike’s Pale, the Ale that Won for Yale. ” “You see,” he tells Barbara Stanwyck, “I don’t like beer, bock beer, lager beer or steam beer. . .I do not! And I don’t like pale ale, brown ale, nut brown ale, porter or stout which makes me ulp just to think about it. Ulp!”

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About that name, Coyote Ugly.

It’s a reference to a bedmate you pick up in a bar only to discover the next morning she/he’s so ugly, you’d chew off your paw to escape.

Locals will recall it was Common Pleas Judge Bernard J. Avellino who once opined that a rape victim in his courtroom basically got what she deserved because she was “coyote ugly. “

Avellino retired under pressure in 1998.

Beer Radar

Dock Street Terminal brewpub (12th and Filbert streets, Center City) is pouring $2 drafts to Philly cops this week in appreciation for their work during the GOP convention. Police officers – presumably off-duty – need only show their badges to get the cheap beer, through tomorrow. No word on any local bars offering similar deals to anarchists . . . Cool Blues & Microbrews sounds like a good way to spend the afternoon. It’s at the Riverfront Arts Center in Wilmington tomorrow. Info: 888-862-2787.

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Yards India Pale Ale. 

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Contrary to conventional wisdom, the Republican race is still up for grabs. Not the presidential nomination – W. has that one in the bag.

But as the GOP marches into town this weekend, delegates will get a taste of another contest that has been brewing for months: the selection of Official Party Beer.

The race features America’s largest brewers in a contest of big, big money contributions. Together, they’ve poured more than $7 million into the GOP treasury.

That’s enough to buy each of the 2,066 Republican delegates a sixpack every day for the next two years – enough, I think, to sway a few votes.

Naturally, the breweries deny they’re buying influence. They say they just want to participate in the political process.

But the way the beermakers are spending money in this campaign, I’m expecting to hear any day that the Republican candidate has changed his name to George Anheuser Busch.

So, it’s no surprise that Bud is leading the Party Beer polls.

According to the campaign finance watchdog Center for Public Integrity, A-B has forked over $1,080,403 to the Republicans, in soft money and PAC donations. Another $150,000 went directly to W., including $1,000 each from brewery boss August Busch III and his son, IV.

But that’s just the foam on the top of Bud’s beechwood-aged campaign war chest.

As with American culture itself, the company – thanks to a $300 million-a-year advertising budget – has become an icon at political events. Delegates will see Bud logos everywhere they go in Philly, and its free beer will flow at hundreds of parties.

The depth of Bud’s role in the political process is underscored by its selection as the Official Sponsor of the 2000 Presidential Debates. The company will underwrite the $550,000 cost of the debates for the honor.

That prompted Green Party candidate Ralph Nader, who is suing to block the sponsorship, to remark, “It’s turning our presidential debates into a beer commercial. “

But it’s not just advertising. All that cash buys access, too.

For example, the Washington Post reported earlier this month that A-B shelled out $25,000 to be a corporate “host” at the National Governors Association conference in State College, Pa. That sponsorship allowed A-B execs to hobnob with politicos at a meeting that was otherwise closed to the public.

(By the way, A-B is an equal-opportunity contributor. In 1996, it contributed $400,000 to the Democratic Party – and then had its Clydesdales clip-clop in President Clinton’s inaugural parade. )

Budweiser would have had the race for Party Beer wrapped up by now if Arizona Sen. John McCain had put up a stronger challenge. McCain pretty much owes his entire political career to A-B.

His father-in-law, a former bootlegger who financed McCain’s early political career, controls more than 60 percent of the beer market in Arizona, according to the Phoenix New Times. His wife, Cindy, owns more than $1 million in A-B stock and drives an SUV whose license plate is “Ms. Bud. “

With that kind of inside muscle, you’d think Bud would be a shoo-in. But the other two big guys aren’t backing down in the race for GOP Party Beer.

Miller is backed by the monolithic Philip Morris Cos., the single largest patron of the Republican Party. According to the Center for Public Integrity, it has ponied up more than $6.2 million in GOP contributions (and $1.2 million to the Dems).

But the influence that cash buys is diluted because Philip Morris is in hot water over its tobacco companies. And as Steve Forbes showed, Miller needs more than just money if it wants to win this race.

The cheapskate of the bunch is Coors. I couldn’t find precise numbers, but it appears the company has contributed less than $100,000 to the GOP.

The brewer, however, boasts a strong Republican heritage.

You’ll remember that 20 years ago, Joseph Coors – the founder’s grandson – bankrolled Ronald Reagan’s run for the Oval Office, then served as a member of his “kitchen Cabinet. ” According to reporter Bob Woodward, in the early ’80s, Joe Coors also put up $65,000 to buy a plane for the Nicaraguan Contras.

A renowned backer of conservative causes, Coors’ support of right-wing groups like the John Birch Society and the Moral Majority prompted nationwide boycotts by unions and liberals.

Though the brewery has tried to reshape its image in recent years, it is still a big backer of Republican causes. W.’s Web site names CEO Peter Coors as one of his prominent corporate backers.

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Finally, don’t count out the little guys.

Pottsville’s Yuengling Brewing will be well represented in the city next week. Its president, Dick Yuengling, is one of Pennsylvania’s 78 delegates to the convention.

Yuengling told me he’s not looking to buy influence in the GOP.

“I’m not involved in politics at all, although I do like Gov. Ridge a lot,” he said. “I just ran because the local party asked me – I guess they figured I had good name recognition.

“I don’t see how anything at the brewery can benefit from this. . .The bottom line, it’s four days out of my business life in the middle of a busy summer. “

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Three Floyds Robert the Bruce Scottish Ale. 

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ron Hill Brewery & Restaurant just opened its third location – this one in downtown Media – and co-owner Kevin Davies is wary. “We don’t know if it’s going to be a big success or not,” he said. “No one knows until you’re up and running for a few months. ”

I think he’s just being modest.

Davies and his partners, Kevin Finn and brewer Mark Edelson, have fashioned a growing, popular restaurant chain that is the envy of his industry. The menu always gets great reviews, the beer has won more than its share of awards and every time I visit, it’s SRO.

The 200-seat Media brewpub (slightly smaller than the West Chester spot), features more than $1 million in renovations to a former drugstore, including a handsome mahogany-and-metal bar.

How do they do it?

Davies sat down for dinner and ales recently, while I scribbled a sixpack of his ideas. (Full disclosure: Davies’ brother, Paul, is an occasional rightfielder for the DN softball team and a fellow People Paper writer.)

1. Run your place like a restaurant that happens to have a brewery on the premises.

This doesn’t mean ignore the suds. Indeed, as long as it keeps pouring its Pig Iron Porter, Iron Hill will never have to apologize for the quality of its beer.

Instead, it means you should ask yourself: If the beer suddenly disappeared, what would you be left with?

In Iron Hill’s case, it’s an attractive dining room with a cheerful, efficient staff and a tasty, affordable menu. In other words, a place you’d visit even if there wasn’t good beer on tap.

2. Treat your employees well.

“Beer is such a great thing for camaraderie and friendship,” Davies said. “So we encourage our employees to enjoy a glass at the end of their shift. “

A simple thing, like taking a group of workers to the annual Great American Beer Festival in Denver, goes a long way toward building employee morale, he said.

3. Cater to kids.

As much as I detest the tots biting my ankles at the bar, it does make sense to be friendly to the little ones if you’re running a suburban restaurant. Most of Iron Hill’s patrons, after all, are moms and dads.

“We train our staff to bend over backwards for kids,” Davies said. “And we price our children’s entrees inexpensively. “

And how about pint-size beers for the kiddies? Davies said he’d get back to me on that one.

4. Show off your beers with good food.

“My experience was in matching wine with food, so it only made sense to do the same with beer,” Davies said.

He and his first chef spent nine months designing their first menu – from the choice of entrees to the typeface.

They ruled out French food and tried to stay away from Italian. Much of the cuisine is Southwestern, with a healthy nod toward New Orleans.

The result is attractive tables laden with grilled fish and wood-oven pizzas, cassoulets and hearty sandwiches – and pints of amber lagers and dark porters. A meal has the full, guilt-free feel of a workingman’s lunch.

Which completely belies the next lesson:

5. Cater to women.

“A lot of people look at us sideways on this,” Davies said, because beer is such a guy thing. But once men get the big hookup, 85 percent of nightly dining decisions are made by the woman.

“Women want something more than a masculine experience,” Davies said. “You know, hanging out at the bar and eating fried food. “

She might like beer, but she’s probably more interested in a good-quality meal.

The way Davies sees it, when a woman takes her man to a brewpub, it’s a no-lose proposition: She gets a nice night out, plus she pleases her man because he gets to drink beer at a brewery.

He wins, meanwhile, because he gives her the reins. Plus (did we mention?) he gets to drink beer at a brewery.

6. Know your demographic.

Most brewpub customers are 25 to 55 years old, according to Davies. And they’re college-educated.

But here’s the key for Iron Hill: 80 percent of its patrons come from within a 7-mile radius.

So, rather than hope it can convince potential customers to make a long trip, Iron Hill pays close attention to location, location, location.

Its first two pubs are in college towns (Newark, Del., and West Chester), but not because of the ample supply of beer-swilling students (though the schools do provide workers). Instead, Iron Hill was attracted by the town culture – the ivy atmosphere on campus and the casual environment in a well-heeled downtown.

Media is not a college town, but as a county seat, the atmosphere is much the same.

Where will Iron Hill look next?

These are just guesses, but Doylestown and Haddonfield, N.J., would be naturals. And, Davies said, don’t rule out Philly.

About that location: Iron Hill seems to have a thing for catchy intersections. In West Chester, the brewpub is located at the subversive corner of Gay and High streets. In Media, it’s tempting the U.S. Constitution at the corner of Church and State.

Beer radar

Joe Sixpack’s free lunch at McGillin’s Olde Ale House on June 30 was a hobbling success. The event kicked off American Beer Month (yes, it’s still going on, so drink American!) and attracted a score of out-of-town brewers.

Yours truly showed up limping in a softball-induced leg cast. I managed to greet more than 100 guests before collapsing into publican Chris Mullin’s excellent Irish stew.

Good spirits flowed at the remainder of the weekend’s beer-month events, including the Great American Blind Taste Test at the Irish Pub. In a contest between American-made brews and imports, the Yankees won 4-1:

Samuel Adams Boston Lager spanked Heineken with 74 percent of the vote.

Yards Brawler nipped Boddington’s (53 percent).

Stoudt American Pale Ale scared off John Courage (79 percent).

Samuel Adams Cream Stout creamed Guinness Extra Stout (80 percent).

Only Germany’s Paulaner Hefe-weizen excelled among the imports, defeating Penn Hefe-Weizen (66 percent).

Road trip

By the time you read this, only a few tickets will remain for O’Neal’s (611 S. 3rd St., below South) bus ride to Yankee Stadium on Monday. The bus, which leaves at 3 p.m., will be stocked with food, beer (Brooklyn Brewing) and a john. The $65 ticket (see the bartender) pays for everything, including a ticket to watch the Phils take on the Yanks.

Joe Sixpack, by staff writer Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Celis White.

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July in Philadelphia, the visitor’s dream:

Liberty! Fireworks! Independence!

We know the, the reality:

Hazy! Hot! Humid!

Mostly, locals abandon the streets to out-of-towners and head to the shore. But in the kind of unexpected synergy that makes the city so lovable, the pomp and the heat will merge next month to thoroughly wet Philly’s whistle.

It’s American Beer Month, a celebration of the nation’s craft-brewing heritage that will be launched tomorrow on the steps of the Art Museum.

Yes, there will be speeches. But don’t sweat: There will also be plenty of suds.

And, in a freebie for People Paper readers, there’s also a free lunch. (Details below.)

“American beer month is like an Independence Day for the American craft-brewing inudstry,” said organizer John Hickenlooper, a Philadelphia-area native who now runs the world’s largest brewpub, Wynkoop Brewery in Denver.

“For more than a decade, brewers from around the world have looked with envy at the innovations and excitement of the American microbrewery revolution. Now it is finally time to celebrate these successes in our own country.”

American Beer Month is being launched in Philadelphia because of the spirit of independence that echoes through town, and the spirits that flow through our taps. The Philly area, if you haven’t been paying attention, boasts some of the best beer in America.

Yes, the Northwest has more brewpubs. And Colorado has a ton of micros. But no other region offers such a variety of inventive microbreweries and so many top-flight beer bars and so many imports.

The choices are daunting to most mortals: room-temperature cask-conditioned ales, high-alcohol barleywines, smelly gueuze served in corked bottles, hop-infused IPAs and a host of brews flavored with honey, raspberry, chocolate, peach, heather and coriander.

The choices are daunting, even to the likes of Joe Sixpack, who has devoted excessive time and resources to the examination of malt beverages. In honor of American Beer Month, today’s report sorts out some of the details.

Lemme start with six things every Philly beer drinker should know:

1. The difference between industrial beer and craft beer.

Factory beer – and I’m talking about anything made with ingredients measured by the rail car – is just fine if you’re looking for something to guzzle without taste. Mostly, they’re bland American lagers – Budcoorsmiller – or an equally bland import: Becks, Molson, Fosters, Corona.

Craft beer – or microbrewed beer – is made in smaller batches. Usually, they’re all malt and full of body and flavor. More importantly, craft beer is usually made by guys with pony tails and tattoos.

Monk’s Café.

If you judge a joint by its beer selection, Tom Peters and Fergus Carey run the best bar in America, period. Craft brews are well represented, but what raises Monk’s to beer-vana is its exotic Belgian imports, served in its woodsy back bar. Peters was the first publican to serve any Belgian on tap in America (it was Kwak, in 1996), and he and Fergie regularly offer flavors you couldn’t even sample in Brussels

Beer Philadelphia magazine

Jim Anderson knows more about beer in this city than anyone. I learn something from him every time we bend an elbow together. His magazine, available at bars and takeout stores, is better written and far more opinionated than the usual stuff you read in the beer trade

Home Sweet Homebrew

Other homebrew stores (notably Barry’s Homebrew Outlet, 101 Snyder Ave., South Philadelphia) are equally dependable sources for do-it-yourselfers. But George Hummel and Nancy Rigberg, the owners of this yeasty mainstay, are directly responsible for creating more local craft brewers than anyone. The guys who make Independence and Red Bell and Dock Street, among others, all got their start with Tupperware homebrew kits from Home Sweet Homebrew. Even if you never brew your first pint, you owe a debt to these folks. 2008 Sansom St., Center City.

Edward I. Friedland Co.

True story: A few years ago, drawn by its trendy selection of micros, I went in search of Eddie Friedland’s beer distributor. My visit took me up N. 8th Street, into an area commonly known as the Badlands.

I never found the place. Instead, I found myself driving the wrong way down a one-way street… and into the arms of a dozen cops

Our city’s brewing history.

F.A. Poth & Sons . . .  Robert Smith India Pale Ale . . Jacob Hornung White Bock. The labels are long gone, but these names from breweries past are still a part of Philadelphia’s rich brewery heritage. Before the Prohibition, Philadelphia – not Milwaukee – was the capital of American beer, the home of possibly 400 breweries.

Even if you never heard these brewers’ names, your grandfather remembers running  down to the corner for a bucket of Gretz . Or the bricks in your home where carried by a mason who kicked back at the end of the day with a tall, cool glass of Hohenadel.

Celebrate American Beer Month, and you just might find your own place in our nation’s brewing heritage. Lift a pint to the men and women – your neighbors – who brew your favorite. It’s a good way to say thanks.

I can think of no better place to do kick off the festivities, right here in the City of Brewery Love. Today’s Big Fat Friday is filled with sixpacks of ideas for discovering beer in Philadelphia.

Joe Sixpack will get things started at 11:30 a.m. tomorrow at McGillin’s Olde Ale House, 1310 Drury St., Center City, when the Daily News proves there is such a thing as a Free Lunch. The first 100 people who toast American Beer Month with a domestic brew will get free eats, courtesy of the People Paper.

The Free Lunch kicks off a day of beer-drinking festivities that mark the start of American Beer Month. Here’s a schedule:

Tomorrow

2 p.m. – Hundreds of brewers will gather on the Art Museum steps for the first-ever American Brewers Rally. The event marks American Beer Month with speeches by, among others, Hickenlooper of Wynkoop Brewery, and Carol Stoudt, the first lady of American brewing and founder of Stoudt’s Brewing in Adamstown, Pa.

6-8 p.m. – Open house for brewers at Nodding Head Brewing Co., 1516 Sansom St., Center City.

Month-long

Breweries and bars will feature special beer styles produced by America’s best micros, on tap and in bottles.

• American pale ale — London Grill , 2301 Fairmount Ave., Center City. 215-978-4545.
• Beer cuisine — Monk’s Café, 263 S. 16th St., Center City. 215-545-7005. \
• Beer gear — What’s on Tap, 339 South St., Center  City. 215-574-1330 .
• Belgian-style ale — The Drafting Room, Route 100, Exton. 610-363-0521.
• Belgian-style Ale,  takeout — Voorhees Liquors, 10 Berlin Rd. in Voorhees, N.J. 800-429-5273.
• Brown ale — Dock Street Terminal Brewpub, 12th & Filbert streets, Center City, 215-922-4292.
• California pale ale — The Drafting Room, 900 N. Bethlehem Pike, Spring House. 215-646-6116.
• Cask-conditioned ale — Standard Tap, 2nd and Poplar streets, Northern Liberties. 215-238-0630.
• Extra special bitter — McMenamin’s Bar & Grill, 7170 Germantown Ave., Mt. Airy. 215-247-9920.
• Growlers — Flanigans Boathouse, 113 Fayette St., Conshohocken. 610-828-BOAT. Or Flanigans at the Great Valley Corporate Center, Malvern. 610-251-0207.
• Hefe-weizen — The Grey Lodge Pub, 6235 Frankford Ave., Frankford. 215-624-2969
  Imperial stout — Dock Street Brasserie, 18th & Cherry, Logan Circle. 215-493-0413. Dock Street will also pour its Thomas Jefferson Ale, a colonial-era ale based on a recipe devised by the third president of the United States.
• India pale ale — O’Neal’s Pub, 3rd & South, Center City. 215-574-9495.
• Irish-style ales — McGillin’s Olde Ale House, 1310 Drury St., Center City. 215-735-5562.
• Pennsylvania beers — The Beverage Store, 218 E. Lancaster Ave., Wayne. 610-688-3431.
• Philadelphia beers — Stone’s Beverage Center, 1701 Fairmount Ave., Spring Garden, 215-763-9789.
• Pils — The Khyber, 54 S. 2nd St., Old City. 215-238-5888.
• Porter — Flat Rock Saloon,  4301 Main St., Manayunk. 215-483-3722
• Scottish-style ales  — Nodding Head, 1516 Sansom St., Center City. 215-569-9525
• Sixpacks — The Foodery, 10th and Pine streets, Center City. 215-928-1111
• Strong ales  — General Lafayette Inn & Brewery, 646 Germantown Pike, Lafayette Hill.
  610-941-0600.
• Stout — Sugar Mom’s Church St. Lounge, 225 Church St., Old City. 215-925-8219
• Wheat beer — Cuvée Notredame, 17th and Green streets, Spring Garden. 215-765-2777

 

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Beer drinking is good for you, according to exhaustive research conducted by a team of scientists at a corner bar.

Their findings, published in the June issue of the Journal of the American Cocktail Napkin, provide compelling evidence that beer consumption improves self-image, relieves worry and develops important joke-telling skills.

In repeated clinical trials at Joe’s Happy Tap, the researchers subjected themselves to a nightly minimum of two to five units of malt beverage. Their study defined one unit as “a pint, and skim off some of that damn head.”

They found two to three doses took the “edge” off stress. More than three doses increased the incidence of thinking they’d get lucky with that babe in the halter top.

“The evidence thus far requires us to examine new strategies to increase consumption,” researcher Dr. Maurice Howard said while draining a mug. Although prevailing medical wisdom suggested moderation, Howard said, “I’m convinced this field merits further research. . . What do you have to do to get another drink around here?”

Until now, medical evidence of the benefits of beer drinking has been mixed.

Several notable studies – including the groundbreaking 1979 sampling conducted by Germany’s renowned Keg Academy – theorized that consumption of beer reduces sobriety. Critics of those studies, however, have insisted that other, undocumented environmental factors may lead to drunkenness.

The scientists said their research, funded by a grant from the office coffee fund, puts these doubts to rest.

Among their key findings:

• Beer consumption increases the level of alcohol in your bloodstream and makes you feel “really good.”
• It’s cheaper if you buy pitchers.
• Beer tastes “really good.”
• Increased beer intake promotes increased outflow.
• The more you drink, the better he/she looks.
• Beer drinkers are seven times more likely to fall off a barstool.
• The bartender at Joe’s is a jerk.
• Excessive beer consumption can make you invisible.

According to professor Lawrence Fine, another member of the research team, the scientists developed further findings, but an unfortunate laboratory incident corrupted a significant portion of their carefully recorded observations.

“Let’s just say you should never get into a chugging contest with chicks with tattoos,” Fine reported.

The university review board and law-enforcement officials will investigate the incident.

“Based upon these favorable data, though, it seems reasonable to conclude that beer drinking is good for you,” Fine observed. “Hopefully these findings will lead to more basic research.”

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Back in the real world, yet another beer-drinking study was released last week.

This one, from Holland, shows that men who drank four beers with dinner had more vitamin B-6 in their blood than those who drank only water. Increased levels of B-6 makes your brain function better and decreases heart disease.

Wine and gin also did the trick, but not as well as beer.

The study comes on the heels of another one by the American Cancer Society that says a drink a day reduces death by one-fifth.

And the one by the British Medical Journal that says a pint or two a day reduces heart attacks.

And the ones that say it prevents kidney stones and cancer, and reduces cholesterol.

The prohibitionists, naturally, will cite a library of studies that show the dangers of alcohol, from beer bellies and slurred speech to liver damage and drunken driving.

What’s it all mean?

After a 25-year study into the effects of beer drinking, Dr. Sixpack concludes, um. . .more basic research is required.

Summer brews

The perfect softball beer? Other than cold and refreshing (which most beers accomplish), it’s gotta be:

1. Tasty
2. In a can.

The first requirement eliminates the usual industrial lagers. The second eliminates most microbrews, which are usually available only on tap or in bottles.

Cans, of course, are mandatory if only because they allow you to carry them into the outfield without fear of slicing your shins on broken glass.

Last season, I favored canned Dock Street. I haven’t seen that at my distributor this year, but I have found a decent import: Paulaner Original Munchner Premium Lager.

At under 20 bucks a case of 12-ounce cans, it made its debut this week at the Daily News softball team’s 5-1 victory over the Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau.

Its light but flavorful malt character perfectly complemented the first baseman’s stellar three-RBI performance at the plate.

Cans not a requirement in your league? Here are five bottles to sip in your hammock this summer.

• Sierra Nevada Summerfest, from California.
• Yards IPA, from Manayunk. Victory Whirlwind Witbier, from Downingtown.
• Flying Fish Farmhouse Summer Ale, from Cherry Hill, N.J.
• Widmer Bros. Hefeweizen, from Portland, Ore., available for the first time this month in Pennsylvania.

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer/Researcher/First Baseman Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Le Cheval Blanc Titanic.

This is the kind of thought the men at the Grey Lodge might idly ponder when they’re otherwise occupied with matters below the belt. For them, a simple visit to the john at this Frankford Avenue tavern is a brief interlude with the wit and wisdom of the literary drinker.

Filled with mingled cream and amber,

I will drain that glass again.

Such hilarious visions clamber

Through the chambers of my brain –

Quaintest thoughts – queerest fancies

Come to life and fade away;

Who cares how time advances?

I am drinking ale today.

It says so up on the wall, above the urinal.

This is more than coarse bathroom graffiti, though. It’s a work of art. Edgar Allen Poe’s wistful lyrics – and about 20 other similarly tipsy quotes – are part of a stunning display of floor-to-ceiling ceramic tiles that decorate the Grey Lodge men’s room.

“It gives you something to think about while you’re in here,” bar owner Mike “Scoats” Scotese said recently while conducting a lavatory tour. “I guess drinking just opens up one’s mind to all sorts of deep thoughts.”

Right – like this incisive one near the sink, from Tom Waits: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

The tiles are the handiwork of local artist Peggy Brecht, who installed them with Scoats last summer, amid a mosaic of cobalt ceramic pieces and bottle caps.

The artwork may come as a surprise to anyone who’d assume the Grey Lodge is just another Frankford watering hole. That’s what the joint at 6235 Frankford Ave. – formerly known as Mugsy’s and the Av Tav – looks like. But since Scoats bought it six years ago, he’s subtly transformed it into a unique neighborhood fixture that attracts both oldtime reg’lars and younger beer freaks.

“We pretty much need all the business we can get,” said Scoats, 34, explaining the atmosphere. “The bar already had an older clientele, and I didn’t want to turn them away.” But with a beer list that is now one of the most eclectic in the city (and certainly the best in the Northeast), the Grey Lodge also attracts beer wanderers from outside the neighborhood.

Somehow, the Grey Lodge keeps both happy; Seagrams sippers warmly rub elbows with the $10-a-bottle Chimay crowd.

“It gives us a more unique vibe,” Scoats said, “and hopefully you get people to co-exist.”

Or, in Ben Franklin’s words above the stall, Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Beer radar

Flying Fish of Cherry Hill, N.J., released its 2000 version of Farmhouse Summer Ale the other night at the Grey Lodge. Joe Sixpack sucked down a coupla pints from the first cask of the seasonal ale with brewery boss Gene Morrow.

Head brewer Rich Atkins says the ale might be one of the region’s lowest-alcohol brews – something less than 4 percent. Smooth and refreshing, it’s proof that beermakers can pack a lot of taste into a relatively light beer.

“I’ve been focusing a lot on British-style session ales,” Atkins told me. “I’m finding a lot of enjoyment in a classic style of beer that you can drink all night.”

Morrow and Atkins, by the way, are still smiling from their success in March at the Real Ale Festival in Chicago. Their BlackFish Ale – a porter mixed with a pale ale – won a gold medal in the Brown Ale/Mild category.

At the other end of the dizziness spectrum, the ales from Heavyweight Brewing in Ocean Township, N.J., are starting to show up in the area. Open about six months, the brewery is finally sending its brain-walloping Baltis O.V.S. (8.2 percent alcohol) and Lunacy Belgian-Style Golden Ale (7.7 percent) to Philly.

Brewer Tom Baker said he’s making only “big” beers. “You’re not going to see any lagers or pale ales from us,” he said.

That’s a rarity in the beer biz, where even fringe breweries feel a need to create lighter-tasting ales to satisfy mainstream drinkers.

Look for a very limited distribution of Heavyweight’s Baltic-style porter, Percuno’s Hammer, available in champagne bottles and on tap. Inspired by local beer scribe Lew Bryson, who helped develop the recipe, Adams says the porter tastes like an imperial stout, “but not as heavy.”

Calendar

Philly Fest 2000 is tomorrow at the Big “O” Center at Poor Henry’s (829 N. American St., Northern Liberties). The festival features suds from more than two dozen local craft brewers, a buffet and collectibles. Tix: $25; info: 215-413-0700.

Dock Street’s Terminal Brew Pub (1150 Filbert St., Center City) is slated to open next Friday. The Reading Terminal site, completed last summer by Red Bell Brewing, has been tied up in a court battle.

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Inspired by an hour of waiting-room reading material – Men’s Journal, Esquire, Cosmo – here’s Joe Sixpack’s Ten Things Every Beer Drinker Should Do at Least Once in a Lifetime.

1. Open a bottle without an opener.

The scene: On a beach, in the woods, in the parking lot at the Vet, you have a full case of bottles. You thought they were twist-offs.

They never taught you this essential life skill in high school. If you fail, you will be mocked unmercifully and sent home thirsty.

You look around, then settle on the door handle of your buddy’s Monte Carlo. A quick snap of the wrist, a clean rip, a spray of suds. . .and nobody notices the scratch in the finish.

2. Buy the bar a round.

With a flourish, of course.

You are there to celebrate – the lottery, the Phillies, that worker’s comp claim, whatever. Let everyone in the house know who’s responsible for that empty shot glass.

Then slide the bartender a really BIG tip. It’s the best C note you’ll spend this month.

3. Tap a keg.

You rarely get the chance, but this is one time you’ll be first in line at the barbecue. My pal, the Trittman, once saved an entire Saturday night party because he actually knew how to fix a damaged keg-pump gasket with a pack of matches.

He is now widely regarded as a saint.

4. Crush a can with one hand.

No technique here, just brute force. And, like all these achievements, this ought to be pursued by men and women alike. It is, brothers and sisters, an ear-tingling affirmation of our beerhood.

Note: Extra points for smashing it against your skull, but only if you draw blood.

5. Chug an entire yard of beer.

They say there’s a trick to doing it right. I’m still drying out my shirt.

6. Visit a brewery.

The smell’s the thing. And so is the mechanical bottling contraption. And the oddball brewers. And the chance to see how water, malt, yeast and hops somehow become your favorite brew.

And, yes, the free beer at the end of the tour.

7. Recite a limerick in a full bar.

A long sip to clear the throat, and the poetry spills over your tongue:

There was a young naval cadet,

Who drank his own pee on a bet,

He’d retch and he’d glare,

Then finally declare,

It’s better than the beer at the Vet.

8. Drink a bottle in a brown bag.

Damn those open container laws, this is a rite of passage.

9. I forget. Just go directly to:

10. Attend a beer festival.

For a moment, they looked like they were dying. And, in fact, some of the bigger ones (notably, the annual events at the Electric Factory and the now-deceased Jake & Oliver’s) are gone.

But Jim Brennan at Manayunk Brewing Co. (4120 Main St.) insists they’re still a great way to taste a dozen or more different ales. “If you’ve been drinking Miller or Killian’s, it’s a great way to step up to something better,” said Brennan.

Manayunk hosts its second annual Brew Extravaganza tomorrow, from noon till 5 p.m. Thirty area brewers will be on hand. Tix are $20.

Meanwhile, Jim Anderson of Beer Philadelphia magazine reminds beer freaks of two golden rules of beer festivals: “No. 1, it’s a fun atmosphere. And No. 2, it’s all you can drink.”

Anderson’s next big event is Split Thy Skull, the annual barleywine fest at Sugar Mom’s (225 Church St., Old City). It’s 2-6 p.m., April 22. Free admission, pay as you go.

Beer radar

Joe Sixpack was supposed to share a beer with British brewing boss Anthony Fuller when he stopped in town for last month’s Book and the Cook festival. Competing events overtook me; we chatted last week by phone instead:

How are you?

Not so good. The national budget was just unveiled and it looks like the beer tax will rise. They tax it on strength, so ordinary beer will cost one more p, London Pride will go up 2p.

How much is a good beer in London?

About one pound, seventy – about $2.50.

What’s your relationship with the Campaign for Real Ale?

I have very good relations with CAMRA. Our brewery was almost falling to pieces, it was a very old plant. Then CAMRA started up, and there was this great consumer wave of support for real ale – cask ale – like ours. We saw our beer volume increase 30 percent in two years.

What’s new at Fuller’s?

We’re developing bars called the Fine Line. Here, the breweries operate bars, but these are totally different than anything we’ve done before. They’re oriented toward people who want to go to an up-market bar, with an emphasis on cocktails and wine. They’re very much geared toward women, a female-friendly bar. You see, the girls are earning a lot of money now, and a lot are not married and like to go out in the evening. Going into a male-dominated pub is not something they like doing. They want to go someplace where they feel comfortable. Of course, where girls go, men will follow – especially if they’re good-looking.

Anything else?

Well, we’re putting out porter in sixpacks for the first time. . .

Did you find any decent bars when you visited Philly?

The Dickens Inn (2nd and Pine streets, Headhouse Square) stands out. That was tremendous.

Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer Don Russell, was written this week with one last bottle of Sierra Nevada Celebration 1999. 

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