No doubt you’ve caught the Shock Top commercial with comedian T.J. Miller. The spot, a fast-paced insult swap between the star of the HBO sitcom Silicon Valley and a wiseguy talking tap handle named Wedgehead, has been floating around the Internet for the last week in advance of its TV debut Sunday during the Super Bowl .
What you haven’t seen is the original version – the one featuring Joe Sixpack. Or maybe that was a bad dream.
In any case, it went like this:
Wedgehead: Yo, beer boy, over here. . . .
Joe Sixpack: Wha . . . ? A talking tap handle?
Wedgehead: That’s right. You got a problem with that?
Joe Sixpack: Uh, no. I’m just surprised you’re speaking English. Aren’t you from Belgium?
Wedgehead: Oh, I’m surprised you understand English. Aren’t you from Philly?
Joe Sixpack: Your new ad campaign is supposed to be “real talk” without pretension. Isn’t that a bit ironic coming from a faux craft beer?
Wedgehead: Faux? Now who’s being pretentious? Are you sure you’re not a wine writer?
Joe Sixpack: C’mon, in last year’s Super Bowl, your pals at Budweiser bashed beer geeks for drinking pumpkin peach ale. Now they’re advertising Shock Top Spiced Banana Wheat. Is that even beer?
Wedgehead: That’s a helluva question coming from a guy who drinks Sweet Baby Jesus Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter.
Joe Sixpack: Tell me one thing: Is Shock Top Strawbanero Wheat the bastard son you had after banging a Bud Light Mang-o-Rita?
Wedgehead: At least I got some action. When you beer nerds do it, you call it a “collaboration.”
Joe Sixpack: That sounds like sour grapes. Is that your latest flavor?
Wedgehead: You mean like that funky old bottle of lambic you spent 20 bucks on last night?
Joe Sixpack: It was 25.
Wedgehead: How’d you even afford that? You look like you’ve been unemployed since the Prohibition.
Joe Sixpack: I work for a newspaper.
Wedgehead: Like I said.
Joe Sixpack: Did you get that badass attitude working for a greedy international conglomerate?
Wedgehead: It’s my shtick. I was dreamed up by an advertising agency to give the impression that Shock Top is hip and edgy. Our slogan is “Live Life Unfiltered.”
Joe Sixpack: And here I thought they called it Shock Top because that’s how they woke you up after that brain injury.
Wedgehead: They call you Sixpack because Nickelback was already taken.
Joe Sixpack: Didn’t I meet your brother, Tang?
Wedgehead: He was adopted.
Joe Sixpack: You’re not fooling anyone. You look like an undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate Greenpeace while wearing wingtips.
Wedgehead: What’s your point? We fooled everyone into thinking Beck’s was made in Germany – even when the fine print said “Brewed in St. Louis.”
Joe Sixpack: So you’re trying to corner the idiot market?
Wedgehead: You mean your readers?
Joe Sixpack: Ouch.
Wedgehead: You write like Donald Trump talks.
Joe Sixpack: Said the guy with that hair. Is that real or is it as fake as the “essence” of berries in Shock Top Raspberry Wheat?
Wedgehead: Who cares? Anheuser-Busch just spent a zillion dollars to put me into the Super Bowl!
Joe Sixpack: I wish somebody would throw some of that money my way.
Wedgehead: You’re already overpaid – you drink beer for a living.
Joe Sixpack: Are you wearing sunglasses because you’re famous or because you’ve got a hangover from drinking Shock Top?
Wedgehead: Both. Do you have gray hair because you’re old or because you’re old?
Wedgehead: Said the guy with the goatee. You look like you were raised in the wild by wolves.
Joe Sixpack: You taste like you were pissed by wolves.
Wedgehead: Yes, but it’s unfiltered piss!