Trading insults with a talking tap

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No doubt you’ve caught the Shock Top commercial with comedian T.J. Miller. The spot, a fast-paced insult swap between the star of the HBO sitcom Silicon Valley and a wiseguy talking tap handle named Wedgehead, has been floating around the Internet for the last week in advance of its TV debut Sunday during the Super Bowl .

What you haven’t seen is the original version – the one featuring Joe Sixpack. Or maybe that was a bad dream.

In any case, it went like this:

Wedgehead: Yo, beer boy, over here. . . .

Joe Sixpack: Wha . . . ? A talking tap handle?

Wedgehead: That’s right. You got a problem with that?

Joe Sixpack: Uh, no. I’m just surprised you’re speaking English. Aren’t you from Belgium?

Wedgehead: Oh, I’m surprised you understand English. Aren’t you from Philly?

Joe Sixpack: Your new ad campaign is supposed to be “real talk” without pretension. Isn’t that a bit ironic coming from a faux craft beer?

Wedgehead: Faux? Now who’s being pretentious? Are you sure you’re not a wine writer?

Joe Sixpack: C’mon, in last year’s Super Bowl, your pals at Budweiser bashed beer geeks for drinking pumpkin peach ale. Now they’re advertising Shock Top Spiced Banana Wheat. Is that even beer?

Wedgehead: That’s a helluva question coming from a guy who drinks Sweet Baby Jesus Chocolate Peanut Butter Porter.

Joe Sixpack: Tell me one thing: Is Shock Top Strawbanero Wheat the bastard son you had after banging a Bud Light Mang-o-Rita?

Wedgehead: At least I got some action. When you beer nerds do it, you call it a “collaboration. “

Joe Sixpack: That sounds like sour grapes. Is that your latest flavor?

Wedgehead: You mean like that funky old bottle of lambic you spent 20 bucks on last night?

Joe Sixpack: It was 25.

Wedgehead: How’d you even afford that? You look like you’ve been unemployed since the Prohibition.

Joe Sixpack: I work for a newspaper.

Wedgehead: Like I said.

Joe Sixpack: Did you get that badass attitude working for a greedy international conglomerate?

Wedgehead: It’s my shtick. I was dreamed up by an advertising agency to give the impression that Shock Top is hip and edgy. Our slogan is “Live Life Unfiltered. “

Joe Sixpack: And here I thought they called it Shock Top because that’s how they woke you up after that brain injury.

Wedgehead: They call you Sixpack because Nickelback was already taken.

Joe Sixpack: You’re not fooling anyone. You look like an undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate Greenpeace while wearing wingtips.

Wedgehead: What’s your point? We fooled everyone into thinking Beck’s was made in Germany – even when the fine print said “Brewed in St. Louis. “

Joe Sixpack: So you’re trying to corner the idiot market?

Wedgehead: You mean your readers?

Joe Sixpack: Ouch.

Wedgehead: You write like Donald Trump talks.

Joe Sixpack: Said the guy with that hair. Is that real or is it as fake as the “essence” of berries in Shock Top Raspberry Wheat?

Wedgehead: Who cares? Anheuser-Busch just spent a zillion dollars to put me into the Super Bowl!

Joe Sixpack: I wish somebody would throw some of that money my way.

Wedgehead: You’re already overpaid – you drink beer for a living.

Joe Sixpack: Are you wearing sunglasses because you’re famous or because you’ve got a hangover from drinking Shock Top?

Wedgehead: Both. Do you have gray hair because you’re old or because you’re old?

Joe Sixpack: Do you wear a Mohawk to appeal to hipsters in 1993?

Wedgehead: Said the guy with the goatee. You look like you were raised in the wild by wolves.

Joe Sixpack: You taste like you were pissed by wolves.

Wedgehead: Yes, but it’s unfiltered piss!


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