Sixpack Sez

Feb. 02, 2007 | Beer without breasts? Whassup?

IN JOE SIXPACK'S 5th Annual State of the Sleaze, I have one question:

What happened to the babes?

As the 2006-07 beer commercial season draws to a close on Super Sunday, it's become obvious that chicks - and I use that term with all due respect for the talented, young, toothy, breast-enhanced blondes paid to bounce and giggle on cue - are a thing of the past.

Forget cat fights and twins. I'm trying to remember any beer commercial with even a slice of cleavage. Who would've thought that the sexiest spot in this year's NFL playoffs would be Taco Bell's slutty Carmen Electra swallowing a, um, burrito?

Coors Light, which once urged us to "head for the mountains," ditched the mammaries and aired fake press conferences with squeaky-clean Dick Vermeil.

Miller Lite, which as recently as 2005 gave us frolicking Coyote Ugly girls, solemnly raised a banner to toast its selection as the top American-style light lager in the World Beer Cup.

Yawn. The state of the sleaze is... decidedly unsleazy.

And don't expect the Super Bowl to bail us out. Early word is Anheuser-Busch, the game's sole beer sponsor, will go all corny on us on Sunday.

"There's definitely less sex in the spots," said Jeremy Mullman, who writes about beer commercials for Advertising Age. Two factors are likely at work:

"First, they probably went a little far a few years ago," he said, noting that advertisers have toned down a few things since the FCC got bent out of shape over Janet Jackson's nipple exposure during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show.

"Secondly," Mullman continued, "all the time those sex ads were peaking, their sales sucked. Beer in general was losing market share to wine and spirits, which were much more upscale."

So, contrary to what every beer-delivery driver in America would tell you, sex does not sell beer - or, more precisely, it doesn't sell enough of it. Budweiser sales have gone way down in the past five years, and Bud Light is just holding its own.

A-B responded last year by launching its Here's to Beer advertising campaign that sought to ratchet up beer's image.

This year, it'll begin pointing viewers to its new Bud.tv Web site, where the marketers (assisted by a former "Saturday Night Live" writer) will go viral with their message. In coming months, expect to see more of those slick non-ad ads filling up your in-box.

Meanwhile, on the flat screen in your den, mainstream beer seems lost and uninspired. No sex and, honestly, very little humor made its way into this year's beer-commercial season. Even Miller Lite's Man Laws didn't grab an audience, and now they've been trashed.

Where does that leave us? Here's Joe Sixpack's State of the Sleaze, on a scale of 1 to 6, with 1 being enough to force you to change the channel to "The View."

Budweiser: 4.5.

Spot: Stadium fans flash placards to animate a poured beer.

Not a bad effort, but they should've gotten Eagles fans to flash the cards, then throw that huge bottle at Terrell Owens.

Guinness: 3

Spot: Monty Pythonesque cartoons.

Someone's gotta tell Guinness that these aren't so "brilliant" anymore.

Bud Select: 3.5

Spot: Hip-hop house party.

I like the beat, but Jay-Z just might be the ugliest guy ever to get a sponsorship deal.

Bud Light: 2.5

Spot: Beer butt-opener.

Bartender returns, guy hides under the bar, bartender cracks open a bottle in the guy's rear end. Expect more of this frat-boy humor on Sunday.

Miller Lite: 2

Spot: Banner-raising.

Sorry, there is not a single Miller Lite drinker on the planet who cares that this swill won a medal. Its other ad, "Keep your friend from 'GHT,' " is a nice shot at Bud Light, however.

Grolsch: 4

Spot: It don't mean a thing if it don't got that swing.

It's mind-boggling that this beer sells almost entirely because of its bottle cap.

Coors Light: 2

Spot: Fake press conference.

I guess these are marginally funny the first time you see them, but I'm having a tough time buying a beer endorsed by a scold like Jim Mora.