Sixpack Sez

Sept. 14 , 2007 | A learner's permit for safer teen drinking

ANOTHER college semester is under way, and that means another million freshmen will be learning about alcohol the hard way, from beer bongs to ritual shots. Thousands will wake up with pounding heads, a handful will slip into comas, some will be scraped from the asphalt, others will flunk out and at least one knucklehead will dive off a balcony.

Dr. John M. McCardell Jr., the former president of Middlebury College in Vermont, has seen it all, and that's the reason he's formed Choose Responsibility, a new group that is advocating a lower drinking age. The 21-year-old legal drinking age, the group argues, merely forces 18-year-olders into riskier behavior - like driving under the influence - to avoid detection.

"The 21-year-old drinking age is bad social policy and terrible law," McCardell wrote in a now-celebrated New York Times op-ed. " . . . Our latter-day prohibitionists have driven drinking behind closed doors and underground."

I happen to agree, but I don't see a lower drinking age any time soon in America - not as long as elected officials continue bowing to those harping ninnies from MADD. Lately, the mothers - freaked that some experts are beginning to question the rationale behind the 21-year-old minimum - have begun spreading pseudo-science that equates a mild buzz with permanent brain injury.

It's time to move past the emotional babble, and Choose Responsibility has a pretty good idea that's worth consideration: An alcohol learner's permit.

The theory is that when young people start drinking, they don't have the first clue about how to handle their new responsibility. "Right now," McCardell said in an interview, "they receive no education in alcohol other than what their friends give them. It's obvious that's not working."

An alcohol learner's permit - not unlike a Cinderella driver's license - would restrict the locations, times and amounts of alcohol that could be consumed, McCardell said. Only 18-year-old high school graduates would qualify, and if they break the rules they'd lose their driver's license till they're 21.

I'd take it one step further and add a standardized drinking test. Score less than 100 percent and you have to spend another six months on nothing stronger than 3.2 beer.

1. True or false: You can get drunker on vodka than beer.

2. Fill in the blank: Beer after wine, you're fine; wine before beer, ________.

3. True or false: The best way to get the bartender's attention is to wave a $20 bill.

4. Explain the Beer Goggles Effect in 50 words.

5. Name something other than peanuts that goes well with a pale ale.

6. What's the phone number of your local cab company?

7. Calculate the tip on a $35 bar bill.

8. Calculate your blood-alcohol content after consuming three beers in two hours.

9. How many shots can you drink without puking?

Oops, that last one is a trick question. And it underscores the difference between driving and drinking. Unlike the rules of the road, the rules of alcohol are typically learned only after years of experience.

There is no drinking manual. No state police trooper to test your ability to pour a Budweiser with exactly two fingers of foam. No red light to tell you when to stop.

That's where parents come in. Their guidance - their own experience - is what young people truly need to learn the rules of booze.

I know, the specter of teaching your kid how to drink will add a few gray hairs. You thought instructing your daughter in the art of parallel parking was a drag? Think about taking her out to your favorite dive for her first drink.

Kid: I'll have an, umm . . . a Jagermeister and grape soda!

Dad: What? You're going to get us killed! Here, lemme show ya.

Kid: Dad!

There are better ways to do it. Make wine or beer a part of dinner. Don't hide your own alcohol consumption. Don't drink and drive. Teach them about flavor and style. Steer them from sugary party drinks toward beverages with character and complexity. Give them a sip of your single malt.

But not the 24-year-old stuff! At least not till they graduate from college.