Sixpack Sez

Nov. 2, 2007 | For beer philosophers, a tough question

IF YOU HAD $30 to spend on beer, would you be better off spending it on a single case of Pilsner Urquell or two cases of Miller Lite?

Ah, that is a question for the ages - to enjoy a little of something that brings you great pleasure, or more of something that is not quite so fine.

According to Steven D. Hales, professor of philosophy at Bloomsburg University and editor of the new, thoroughly engaging book "Beer & Philosophy: The Unexamined Beer Isn't Worth Drinking" (Blackwell, $19.95), there's really only one person a beer drinker should turn to for advice on this topic.

No, not your bartender. It's John Stuart Mill, the 19th-century British philosopher and formulator of the "greatest happiness" principle.

Mill believed it was mankind's duty to increase the amount of pleasure in the world - a theory known as utilitarianism. "He thought a better life was one spent enjoying a few pints of excellent ale," says Hales, "not one chugging kegs of fraternity-grade lager."

Grab another glass and follow this logic:

It's Mill's view that "our moral duty is always to perform the action that has the best consequences of any of the actions available to us," says Hales.

Most competent judges would objectively say Pilsner Urquell is better than Miller Lite. The former is the world's original pilsner, still brewed in its Czech homeland without adjuncts. The latter is watered down to diminish any distinctive aroma or flavor, to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

Of course, you might prefer Miller Lite. This, Mill would say, is an irrational choice by an ignorant judge. It is a "weakness of will," a character deficiency. The rest of us are under no obligation to pay attention to you.

Elitist! you protest.

Well, you have a point. Mill was a bit of a highbrow. Hales notes he was reading Greek by the age of 3 and, according to one expert Hales quotes, "is not known to have entered a pub in his life."

But you and I do spend much of our time in bars, and no one can deny us the right to savor and defend the quality of our chosen pleasure.

Hales argues it's only when one claims that his type of pleasure - the symphony, perhaps - is better than another (beer) that the issue becomes elitist.

But we still haven't answered which is better, two cases of Miller Lite or a single case of Pilsner Urquell?

Imagine that you sat down one afternoon and drank a six-pack of Miller Lite. The next day you drank a single bottle of Pilsner Urquell. Both afternoons were fun. You got a nice buzz on the first day; but the second day, the flavor of that one bottle was outstanding.

In fact, to be fair, the quantity of pleasure of both days was exactly the same. The only difference was the quality of pleasure.

What is quality?

Hales defines it as "the density of pleasure." Mill, he says, would recommend that when the quantity of pleasure is equal, we should pursue the higher-quality pleasure. The utilitarian, Hales says, then would choose the single case of Pilsner Urquell over two cases of Miller Lite.

Now, Mill would argue that we should all seek to educate ourselves and raise our level of knowledge so that we can learn to enjoy the highest-quality pleasure. The problem, as Hales points out, is that it might just be better to remain ignorant.

The guy who doesn't appreciate the highest quality will definitely save himself some money. He'll get just as much enjoyment out of Miller Lite as the other guy gets from Pilsner Urquell.

Of course, the great thing about beer is that - unlike wine, for example - even the very best bottle is affordable.

But there's another problem: Is Pilsner Urquell truly better than Miller Lite?

Yeah, we know the competent judges say it's better. But as Plato more or less asked in his dialogue, "Euthyphro," is a certain beer better because the gods like it, or do the gods like a certain beer because it is better?

Well, that's a poser for another philosopher. Nietzsche, Locke, Socrates and Adams (Samuel) all have something to say about our favorite drink in "Beer & Philosophy." In this fine collection of essays, the great, beer-soaked questions of the ages are tackled by more than a dozen deep-thinkers (plus Dogfish Head Brewery's Sam Calagione!).

Don't be intimidated. This enjoyable tome is for anyone who has ever peeled a beer label and declared, "I drink, therefore I am."