Sixpack Sez

July 25, 2008 | Hazy thoughts on a humid day

Now that Anheuser-Busch, Miller and Coors are all foreign-owned, does that mean their beer will finally be booted from Denver's Great American Beer Festival?

The festival was started in 1982 to showcase authentic American beer - mainly full-flavored lagers and ales from small breweries. Over the years, though, the event's organizer welcomed mainstream brewers (and their sponsorship dollars) and even created silly judging categories (American-style specialty lager, aka malt liquor) for them.

Some traditionalists cringe when they see Miller pouring suds side by side with the likes of Russian River or Stoudt's. It's like serving a Big Mac at Morton's.

As for me, I'm just astonished when I see beer aficionados shell out $50 for a festival ticket and then line up for a yummy sample of Coors Light, as if they don't get that back home.

Once InBev gets its Europaws on A-B, the Big 3 will be controlled by fer'ners. Keep the Great American Beer Festival American, I say!

Howcum beer-related Web sites check your age?

Many beer makers require you to type in your birth date before entering, presumably because kids are either:

A. Completely honest while surfing the Internet or,

B. Completely stupid and can't figure out how to enter "1986."

It's not like you can enjoy an adult beverage at a Web site. (Although you can get pretty close with that nifty iPhone app all my drinking buddies got from hottrix.com.)

And it's not like the content is for adults only. I've never seen anything on a beer Web site that I haven't seen during prime time on TV, when children of all ages are watching.

There are no laws requiring Web sites with beer info to keep out kids.

If there were, you couldn't read the Daily News online.

Breweries say they're just being responsible. What a joke.

What they're really doing is giving in to mommies who blame everyone but themselves when their kids come home drunk on Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Speaking of TV, why don't you ever see people drink during beer commercials?

Dirty jokes, half-nekkid chicks, farting horses, Tony Little - they're all OK on network TV. But actually putting a beer bottle to the lips and taking a gulp? How dare you!

Blame the Beer Institute's advertising code, which states that "beer advertising and marketing materials should not depict the act of drinking."

Again, what we have here is beer giving in to neo-Prohibitionist ninnies.

We're not talking about drunkenness or underage drinking. I mean a commercial that shows adults enjoying a cold one at a barbecue or while watching a football game.

What's wrong with that?

If you're old enough to die for your country in a senseless war, why aren't you old enough to drink a beer when you get back home?

Anti-drinking forces have a million arguments against lowering the drinking age, but I've never heard one that answers this simple question.

If we can train a kid to operate an M-16, can't we teach him to enjoy a beer responsibly?

A cold one for our troops - it's the least we can do.

Why write a cookbook without listing all the ingredients?

"The Ultimate Beer Lovers Cookbook" by John Schlimm (Cumberland House, $24.95) just landed on my desk with a staggering 400-plus recipes.

Though each dish contains beer, none specifies what kind.

Should you pour a pilsner on that Sweet and Sour Trout? Bock? Wheat? Stout? Who knows?

We live in an age when cookbooks specify what variety of salt to use. This one simply says "beer," as if it's a generic ingredient.

But the book's not a complete waste. In the rear, you'll find a bunch of recipes for flaming beer shots. Pull out that bottle of Everclear and fire up a Barn Burner.

Is Google for wine snobs?

When you type "wine" into the world's most popular search engine, you get a bunch of sponsored links for online wine sales.

When you type "beer," you get nothing.

Weird.

Hint: If you're looking for beer online, go to Yahoo.

Why is drinking beer with monkeys so much fun?

I dunno, but that's what I'll be doing tomorrow night at the Philadelphia Zoo.

It's the 5th Annual Brew at the Zoo, benefiting the United Mitochondrial Disease Foundation.

I'll be on hand to sign copies of "Joe Sixpack's Philly Beer Guide" (Camino Books, $14.95) and suck down a few from more than 20 area breweries. One lucky guest will win a free copy and a case of favorites selected by me.

Tix are $40, the taps open at 6 p.m. For more info, call 888-317-8633.