Beer drinking is good for you, according to exhaustive research conducted by a team of scientists at a corner bar.
Their findings, published in the June issue of the Journal of the American Cocktail Napkin, provide compelling evidence that beer consumption improves self-image, relieves worry and develops important joke-telling skills.
In repeated clinical trials at Joe’s Happy Tap, the researchers subjected themselves to a nightly minimum of two to five units of malt beverage. Their study defined one unit as “a pint, and skim off some of that damn head.”
They found two to three doses took the “edge” off stress. More than three doses increased the incidence of thinking they’d get lucky with that babe in the halter top.
“The evidence thus far requires us to examine new strategies to increase consumption,” researcher Dr. Maurice Howard said while draining a mug. Although prevailing medical wisdom suggested moderation, Howard said, “I’m convinced this field merits further research. . . What do you have to do to get another drink around here?”
Until now, medical evidence of the benefits of beer drinking has been mixed.
Several notable studies – including the groundbreaking 1979 sampling conducted by Germany’s renowned Keg Academy – theorized that consumption of beer reduces sobriety. Critics of those studies, however, have insisted that other, undocumented environmental factors may lead to drunkenness.
The scientists said their research, funded by a grant from the office coffee fund, puts these doubts to rest.
Among their key findings:
- Beer consumption increases the level of alcohol in your bloodstream and makes you feel “really good.”
- It’s cheaper if you buy pitchers.
- Beer tastes “really good.”
- Increased beer intake promotes increased outflow.
- The more you drink, the better he/she looks.
- Beer drinkers are seven times more likely to fall off a barstool.
- The bartender at Joe’s is a jerk.
- Excessive beer consumption can make you invisible.
According to professor Lawrence Fine, another member of the research team, the scientists developed further findings, but an unfortunate laboratory incident corrupted a significant portion of their carefully recorded observations.
“Let’s just say you should never get into a chugging contest with chicks with tattoos,” Fine reported.
The university review board and law-enforcement officials will investigate the incident.
“Based upon these favorable data, though, it seems reasonable to conclude that beer drinking is good for you,” Fine observed. “Hopefully these findings will lead to more basic research.”
Back in the real world, yet another beer-drinking study was released last week.
This one, from Holland, shows that men who drank four beers with dinner had more vitamin B-6 in their blood than those who drank only water. Increased levels of B-6 makes your brain function better and decreases heart disease.
Wine and gin also did the trick, but not as well as beer.
The study comes on the heels of another one by the American Cancer Society that says a drink a day reduces death by one-fifth.
And the one by the British Medical Journal that says a pint or two a day reduces heart attacks.
And the ones that say it prevents kidney stones and cancer, and reduces cholesterol.
The prohibitionists, naturally, will cite a library of studies that show the dangers of alcohol, from beer bellies and slurred speech to liver damage and drunken driving.
What’s it all mean?
After a 25-year study into the effects of beer drinking, Dr. Sixpack concludes, um. . .more basic research is required.
The perfect softball beer? Other than cold and refreshing (which most beers accomplish), it’s gotta be:
- In a can.
The first requirement eliminates the usual industrial lagers. The second eliminates most microbrews, which are usually available only on tap or in bottles.
Cans, of course, are mandatory if only because they allow you to carry them into the outfield without fear of slicing your shins on broken glass.
Last season, I favored canned Dock Street. I haven’t seen that at my distributor this year, but I have found a decent import: Paulaner Original Munchner Premium Lager.
At under 20 bucks a case of 12-ounce cans, it made its debut this week at the Daily News softball team’s 5-1 victory over the Philadelphia Convention & Visitors Bureau.
Its light but flavorful malt character perfectly complemented the first baseman’s stellar three-RBI performance at the plate.
Cans not a requirement in your league? Here are five bottles to sip in your hammock this summer.
- Sierra Nevada Summerfest, from California.
- Yards IPA, from Manayunk. Victory Whirlwind Witbier, from Downingtown.
- Flying Fish Farmhouse Summer Ale, from Cherry Hill, N.J.
- Widmer Bros. Hefeweizen, from Portland, Ore., available for the first time this month in Pennsylvania.
Joe Sixpack, by Staff Writer/Researcher/First Baseman Don Russell, was written this week with a bottle of Le Cheval Blanc Titanic.