Kegology 101: Overdo it and you flunk

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It’s back-to-school time at local colleges, and I don’t mind admitting I get kind of sentimental remembering those halcyon days at ol’ Kegger U. Cutting 8 a.m. classes, pulling all-nighters, forging fake IDs – they’re all happy memories of my higher education.

For those who missed Dean Wormer’s speech at freshman orientation, I remind the Animal House boys out there that it’s about quality, not quantity.

Besides making you look terrifically stoopid, binge drinking does some serious damage to the cerebral cortex that your parents are spending so much money to enhance.

If it’s a big night, stick to beer and it’s almost impossible to poison yourself like that poor 20-year-old down at Louisiana State University. He did about two dozen shots of hard liquor during a fraternity rush before passing into the hereafter. The cops say he had a blood-alcohol level of .588.

To reach that level, the average drinker would have to consume 20 glasses of typical American lager (4 to 5 percent alcohol) in one hour, or one every 3 minutes. At most keg parties I’ve ever attended, it takes that long just for the foam to settle in my cup. And even if you could drink it that fast, you’d spend more time peeing than trying to pick up that sorority babe.

Besides the personal health problems you face by bingeing, those who overdo it also run the risk of screwing up the beer scene for everybody else on campus. Imagine, for instance, how tough it’ll be to grab a cold one at LSU this semester.

After excessive drinking was blamed in the deaths last year of students at Frostburg State University in Maryland and the University of New Hampshire, school officials across the country started bad-mouthing booze, big time.

That helped push two major fraternities – Phi Delta Theta and Sigma Nu – to announce that they would ban alcohol at all their chapter houses by 2000.

No beer for Delta? John Belushi is spinning in his grave.

Which raises the question: Just what are the leaders of tomorrow drinking today?

  • No. 1 keg at Springfield Beer Distributor (near the Penn campus): Yuengling Lager.
  • No. 1 keg at J&J Beer & Soda Mart (near the Temple campus): Budweiser.

Analysis: Higher tuition at Penn forces Ivy League students to drink cheaper beer.

HEY, BEER MAN!

Number of cups of Red Bell consumed during typical Phillies game: 950.

Number of cups of Red Bell consumed during typical Eagles game: 6,000.

Analysis: Eagles fans not only drink more, they drink it quicker. The Vet’s beer stands are open only till halftime for football, till darn near the bitter end for baseball.

Speaking of baseball, here’s the wrap on Joe Sixpack’s appearance as honorary lifeguard last week at Bleacher Beach, the cheap seats at the Vet. The 12-inning game was a scorcher, but there was far more action in the stands, where I handed out Daily News beer-huggies, autographed baseballs and T-shirts to the fans.

No one was mortally wounded in the stampede that ensued when a 50-foot vision of yours truly, dancing to `Surfer Safari,” appeared on huge centerfield Phanavision.

I’m not sure which was my favorite moment: listening to 500 kids from local day camps chanting, “WE LOVE JOE SIXPACK,” or watching Dock Street head brewer Eric Savage actually put a cup of Bud to his lips.

Thanks for coming out. Maybe we’ll make it an annual event.

FREE BEER, PART 1

Belgian track and field fans missed out on a treat last month. Organizers of the Brussels Grand Prix track meet had promised all 39,000 spectators one free beer (Chimay? Rochefort 10?) if a world record was broken. Meet officials thought it would be a good way to get the fans behind the runners.

And, dang if it didn’t happen. Both the 5,000- and 10,000-meter world records fell.

Unfortunately, the cops stepped in and ruined the fun. Meet organizer Wilfried Meert told Reuters the police were “afraid people would behave strangely in the streets after receiving the beer.”

That’s sort of the idea, isn’t it?

FREE BEER, PART 2

Maybe those track fans should move to Charleston, Mo., where it is not uncommon for voters to be rewarded with a coupon good for a brew at the local Gas-a-Mat.

The local Democrats came up with this plan, which naturally has the Scotch-sipping Republicans upset. A grand jury is investigating.

The favored beer among voters? Sixteen-ounce cans of Old Style.

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